Инстаграм @hannerjv Hannah JV
I had a really rough go of it this weekend. I went to my happy place, with the person who makes me happiest, to climb things and be happy. But my brain had other ideas. ⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ During my first ever outdoor 5.8, which I attempted and eventually completed, my anxiety got the best of me and convinced me that I’m not cut out for climbing. That I’m worthless. Too fat to climb. Too fat to enjoy anything. Lindsey tried valiantly to figuratively talk me off the ledge, but I was already gone. It took more than an hour for my brain to unspin and stop talking crap to me. ⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ I got back on the wall that day, before needing 12 hours of sleep to get over it. The next day, I chose to forgo climbing in order to take care of myself. Part of that care involved a brilliant hike to the top of Smith Rock; the rest of it involved FOOD. Enough food. Not the “enough” that my 12 years’ recovered brain still tells me is right. Actually enough to sustain the body I use to hike things, climb things, and exist. I feel fucking stupid admitting that my anxiety attack was triggered by something as simple as not eating enough, but sometimes simple isn’t simple. ⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Three days of enough eating has got my brain working properly again. My anxiety is down. My productivity is up. And most importantly, I feel happy again. I can’t wait to go back to my happy place, with the person who makes me happiest, to climb things, and be happy.
I had the distinct privilege of taking photos with @mattiekrall last week. Outside of roller derby headshots, I have basically no experience with professional photographers. I guess I implicitly believed that it would be vain for me to want to do a photo shoot; that I wasn’t “deserving” of one. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ After breaking through a bunch of internalized embarrassment and fears that I’d be seen as arrogant and cocky, I went along to the shoot, and had a great time. Before I had the chance to second guess my choices that evening and start telling myself how stupid I’d been, I received a couple of proof pictures. This is one of them. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ You’d never know to look at me that I was doubting myself at this moment. I guess that comes down to a few things: a sweet photographer, a well-timed shot, and for me - a shit ton of thought work about my value as a woman taking space (and names) in the world.
Yesterday was a shit day to be a New Zealander. I nearly cowered and stayed home, but instead I went out to a gay bar in an unfamiliar town, saw a bunch of bomb hyper queens, danced on my own to “Independent Women”, and saw old friends from college. Then today I took a bunch of obviously very classy pictures in my @airbnb because fuck it, we all deserve to express ourselves, be happy, and feel comfortable.
Y’all can we talk about this outfit? That I wore in 2001? To a rave that I attended with my boyfriend at the time?
I was grabbing coffee this morning when a woman stopped me and said, “Your outfit makes me SO happy!” I love wearing bright colors to improve my mood, but I can’t tell you how much it means when others catch my vibe! 🧡
Throwback to the time my fat ass won a Chubby Bunny gold medal, and a complimentary beer shower 🐰🍺
This government shutdown mug arrived this week. Much too late to be relevant to the shutdown, but never too late to speak deeply to my feelings.
This week I promised myself that I’d do a few things to keep my spirits up: take breaks, take walks, and keep being my usual stupid self when I get dressed in the morning... today that means colorful beads, a bright top, fancy socks, and a tattered orange pillow that a cute little doggo slept on until just a few days ago. And honestly, I can feel all this brightness starting to work already 🌞 Thanks to everyone who’s been so kind to me the last few days. I love you!